1 00:00:37,806 --> 00:00:42,800 Central to the creed of Shinto, for centuries indigenous to the ancient empire of Japan, 2 00:00:43,806 --> 00:00:47,401 was a belief in divine transcendency through death, 3 00:00:47,566 --> 00:00:50,558 that all men, laid to rest within their tomb, 4 00:00:50,726 --> 00:00:56,119 among the icons and artefacts thought to embody their very essence as mortal beings, 5 00:00:57,006 --> 00:01:02,000 would, within a generation of decease, shed finally all earthly trappings 6 00:01:02,166 --> 00:01:04,964 and rise again as gods - 7 00:01:05,926 --> 00:01:10,442 ambivalent entities or kami who would thenceforth walk the Earth 8 00:01:10,606 --> 00:01:14,201 on missions both benign and destructive. 9 00:01:15,726 --> 00:01:18,320 And among the high priests of the Nara Period, 10 00:01:18,486 --> 00:01:21,478 legendary was the name of Sikoto-no. 11 00:01:22,486 --> 00:01:26,877 In life, a quixotic shaman with the power to both charm and terrify, 12 00:01:27,046 --> 00:01:32,040 his life and works largely unknown to Western culture until the late 19th century, 13 00:01:32,206 --> 00:01:36,199 when his tomb, long buried beneath the foothills of Mount Hiei, 14 00:01:36,366 --> 00:01:40,359 disgorged a mouth-watering stash of treasures. 15 00:01:41,726 --> 00:01:46,720 Chief among them, this remarkably-preserved porcelain likeness of the mystic monk himself, 16 00:01:46,886 --> 00:01:51,676 seen by many New Ageists today as a source of peace and transcendental oneness, 17 00:01:51,886 --> 00:01:57,119 by others as a rather malevolent-looking homunculus of more sinister design. 18 00:01:57,326 --> 00:02:00,318 I'm bound to ask its present owner, Mr Owen Glendower, 19 00:02:00,486 --> 00:02:05,480 better known to us all as the nation's foremost gastronomic guru, to which theory he subscribes. 20 00:02:05,646 --> 00:02:08,240 Oh, I'm quite convinced he's a wrong 'un. 21 00:02:08,406 --> 00:02:11,364 Look at the eyes - positively glowing with evil. 22 00:02:12,286 --> 00:02:17,838 He's not used to being out in the light. Sadly, I have to keep it locked away most of the time. 23 00:02:18,046 --> 00:02:22,642 - One of the curses with a priceless treasure. - But he's making a rare public appearance. 24 00:02:22,846 --> 00:02:27,840 For one month only in a little museum in South Buckinghamshire, where I was born. 25 00:02:28,326 --> 00:02:31,398 Hopefully bring in some much needed revenue. 26 00:02:31,806 --> 00:02:37,199 I'm sure it'll be a star attraction. Eight centuries of myth from the Far East, 27 00:02:37,366 --> 00:02:40,039 the porcelain statue of Sikoto-no. 28 00:02:40,206 --> 00:02:42,356 - Owen Glendower, many thanks. - My pleasure. 29 00:02:42,566 --> 00:02:45,160 That's great. Very good, indeed. 30 00:02:45,326 --> 00:02:48,921 - OK, is that a wrap? - That's a wrap, yeah. 31 00:02:51,206 --> 00:02:54,676 That must have set you back! I'm amazed you let it out. 32 00:02:54,886 --> 00:02:57,275 One must put something back where one can. 33 00:02:58,286 --> 00:03:02,723 Rest assured, security tomorrow morning will be airtight. 34 00:03:02,926 --> 00:03:07,317 The chances of anyone spiriting this away from under my nose 35 00:03:07,486 --> 00:03:09,841 are absolutely zero. 36 00:03:13,046 --> 00:03:17,164 A case like this, as far as I can see, is without precedent. 37 00:03:18,446 --> 00:03:21,404 The poor woman's whole quality of life now... 38 00:03:21,606 --> 00:03:25,201 we're talking, well, zombie here, really. 39 00:03:25,406 --> 00:03:27,397 OK, what are you telling me? 40 00:03:27,566 --> 00:03:32,162 She's watching me on TV, hypnotising this guy on a TV screen, 41 00:03:32,406 --> 00:03:35,159 and the next thing you know she's... 42 00:03:36,206 --> 00:03:40,802 - I mean! - The humour is somewhat lost on me, Mr Klaus. 43 00:03:41,006 --> 00:03:46,399 - You have these dangerous powers. - Oh, come on. They're tricks, man. 44 00:03:46,566 --> 00:03:49,524 You think I have lasers coming out of my eyes? 45 00:03:50,766 --> 00:03:53,599 Look, Mrs Thrimpson, I give you marks for trying. 46 00:03:53,806 --> 00:03:57,321 I mean, 25 minutes and she hasn't cracked. 47 00:03:57,486 --> 00:04:02,162 So how about this - two tickets to the show, you and your husband, my guests? 48 00:04:02,366 --> 00:04:06,518 Never let it be said that I don't reward originality. 49 00:04:12,726 --> 00:04:15,115 Mrs Thrimpson... 50 00:04:16,726 --> 00:04:20,116 When I snap my fingers, on the count of three, 51 00:04:20,286 --> 00:04:23,676 you will come out of the trance. One... 52 00:04:23,846 --> 00:04:26,599 Two... Three! 53 00:04:29,926 --> 00:04:33,316 Mrs Thrimpson... Will you wake the hell up?! 54 00:04:36,166 --> 00:04:41,160 What is it with the public? They just can't stand the fact that you're richer than they are. 55 00:04:41,326 --> 00:04:46,116 They've got to get a piece of the action. I mean, she IS faking it, right? 56 00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:50,165 Very convincingly. The question is how long can she keep it up? 57 00:04:50,366 --> 00:04:53,085 This has got to be a joke! 58 00:04:53,246 --> 00:04:57,842 Compensation to the husband for loss of marital relations. 59 00:04:58,006 --> 00:05:01,237 He should be paying me. Geez... 60 00:05:04,966 --> 00:05:08,561 So where did you say we're dropping you? Soho Square? 61 00:05:08,726 --> 00:05:14,323 That'd be handy, thanks. Invite to the launch of Mrs Baxter's new fitness video. 62 00:05:14,486 --> 00:05:20,880 Might be good for a giggle. Oh, she may call you later to rope you into this new show. 63 00:05:21,046 --> 00:05:27,042 "Animal Farm". Anything from George Orwell now is being snapped up as a ratings winner 64 00:05:27,206 --> 00:05:30,164 on the back of "Big Brother" and "Room 101". 65 00:05:30,326 --> 00:05:32,476 A bigger load of crap you can't imagine. 66 00:05:32,686 --> 00:05:37,396 Celebrities are put into a pigsty for seven days to live like animals. 67 00:05:37,566 --> 00:05:43,004 How sad must you be to want to roll around in mud with a nurse from "Casualty"? 68 00:05:46,006 --> 00:05:48,122 You'll regret it, I'm telling you. 69 00:05:48,326 --> 00:05:53,320 On the other hand, Jonathan, people get to see you as a real person, right? 70 00:05:53,486 --> 00:05:55,875 Gentle, self-effacing. 71 00:05:56,046 --> 00:05:58,037 Vulnerable. 72 00:06:02,046 --> 00:06:05,038 Sometimes you gotta go for the sympathy vote. 73 00:06:49,206 --> 00:06:53,597 You're right on time. Thelma Bailey. I'm the museum's manageress. 74 00:06:53,766 --> 00:06:57,554 My daughter Gillian will be accompanying you on the collection. 75 00:06:57,726 --> 00:07:01,560 We're a little nervous. I'm sure it'll all go like clockwork. 76 00:07:57,166 --> 00:08:03,639 They can never do it justice, can they, all the photos and illustrations? 77 00:08:03,806 --> 00:08:08,516 The power... is so strong. One can feel it. 78 00:08:26,526 --> 00:08:32,123 Nigimitama, the divine force of the Shinto kami. 79 00:08:32,286 --> 00:08:36,677 Many will come here to meditate, one-to-one, to find peace. 80 00:08:38,366 --> 00:08:41,517 To be the first would be a rare privilege. 81 00:08:41,726 --> 00:08:46,720 At the risk of sounding odd, do you mind terribly if I had a quiet moment? 82 00:09:23,966 --> 00:09:26,116 Oh, my God! 83 00:09:28,486 --> 00:09:30,875 Mother! What happened? 84 00:09:31,046 --> 00:09:37,042 I closed my eyes, one minute. When I opened them again, it was... Someone had taken it. 85 00:09:37,246 --> 00:09:39,316 - What? - Someone must have come in... 86 00:09:39,526 --> 00:09:41,676 Mother, no one came in. 87 00:09:41,846 --> 00:09:45,634 We would have seen them. This is totally impossible. 88 00:09:45,846 --> 00:09:49,919 - Check the doors and windows. - Check again. 89 00:10:10,926 --> 00:10:13,076 There we go. Enjoy. Hello. 90 00:10:19,166 --> 00:10:24,001 - So you made that all-important transition? - Thank you. 91 00:10:24,206 --> 00:10:27,915 From crime coverage to popular callisthenics. 92 00:10:28,086 --> 00:10:31,999 That's one Ludovic Kennedy never quite pulled off. 93 00:10:32,206 --> 00:10:36,165 - Seems to be going well. - Assisted by our cross-promotional strategy 94 00:10:36,326 --> 00:10:38,362 with a leading cosmetics firm. 95 00:10:38,526 --> 00:10:41,677 With every video, a set of scented face wipes. 96 00:10:41,886 --> 00:10:45,925 It may get a bit sticky. Lots of luck with it. Have fun! 97 00:10:46,686 --> 00:10:49,837 - You're not serious? - Excuse me? Hello. 98 00:10:50,006 --> 00:10:53,123 "You too can shed pounds with my triple whammy. 99 00:10:53,286 --> 00:10:57,643 "Just follow me on screen and simply stretch, squeeze and shake it off"? 100 00:10:58,646 --> 00:11:03,276 - What's your point? - Apart from a few dim-witted plumpers, 101 00:11:03,446 --> 00:11:07,075 who do you think mainly buys these things? 102 00:11:07,446 --> 00:11:10,836 If you're insinuating what I think you're insinuating... 103 00:11:11,046 --> 00:11:15,836 - I haven't a clue what you're insinuating. - You put a tape like this in the shops 104 00:11:16,006 --> 00:11:20,602 with a free box of tissues, it may not give off the signals you intend. 105 00:11:20,766 --> 00:11:24,475 - Could I trouble you, Miss Borrego? - Yes, surely. 106 00:11:24,686 --> 00:11:27,962 There you go. Oh, I haven't got your name. 107 00:11:28,166 --> 00:11:31,158 That's fine. It's actually for my nephew. 108 00:11:31,326 --> 00:11:36,275 What he'd really love - this is embarrassing - is to have his photo taken with you. 109 00:11:36,446 --> 00:11:40,883 - Maybe sitting on your knee? - No problem. 110 00:11:41,086 --> 00:11:43,759 Come on, then, Darren. If you're quick. 111 00:11:51,726 --> 00:11:54,115 Jonathan Creek. 112 00:11:54,286 --> 00:11:56,675 Sorry? Buckinghamshire? 113 00:11:57,926 --> 00:12:00,315 I suppose I could. 114 00:12:03,326 --> 00:12:06,238 What sort of disappearing trick? 115 00:12:11,526 --> 00:12:15,724 Now, it'll save your time and mine if I truncate. 116 00:12:15,886 --> 00:12:19,242 The figurine left my house at 9.27 a. m. 117 00:12:19,446 --> 00:12:24,236 Placed, under my supervision, in a box inside a locked steel case, which was... 118 00:12:25,566 --> 00:12:29,957 ...handcuffed to two armed couriers and conveyed to this building. 119 00:12:30,126 --> 00:12:34,483 The security staff, incidentally, were of impeccable credentials. 120 00:12:34,646 --> 00:12:38,878 Safe arrival was verified by the senior officer in this room 121 00:12:39,046 --> 00:12:44,439 before it was passed to the curator, who appears to have gone into some kind of trance in here, 122 00:12:44,606 --> 00:12:47,279 before the piece then vanished into thin air. 123 00:12:47,486 --> 00:12:52,844 The most priceless Nara Period ceramic this side of Kyoto. I mean, it is beyond value! 124 00:12:57,646 --> 00:13:01,161 He doesn't look much, but you'd be amazed at the results. 125 00:13:01,366 --> 00:13:05,439 A few days from now, he'll know exactly who stole your statue. 126 00:13:07,446 --> 00:13:10,324 Well, give the man a biscuit 127 00:13:10,526 --> 00:13:16,123 Ms Borrego, I know damn well who stole it. I just want the bloody thing back. 128 00:13:17,286 --> 00:13:21,279 This woman, Thelma Bailey, had been pestering me for months. 129 00:13:21,446 --> 00:13:26,236 "What a boost it would be for the community, a real cultural shot in the arm. " 130 00:13:26,406 --> 00:13:32,800 Now, against all my instincts, I agreed. And, of course, walked straight into her trap. 131 00:13:34,246 --> 00:13:39,639 Can't you see? What she's pulled off here is a very clever conjuring trick. 132 00:13:39,846 --> 00:13:45,045 On stage, hidden from view for no more than a minute, she performs the impossible. 133 00:13:46,046 --> 00:13:48,640 Playing me for a complete sucker! 134 00:13:50,286 --> 00:13:52,083 Well... 135 00:13:53,286 --> 00:13:58,838 ...we find out how she managed it and, hopefully, we'll be on the way to retrieving my property. 136 00:14:01,326 --> 00:14:03,715 But I won't be holding my breath. 137 00:14:04,726 --> 00:14:06,717 Anyway... 138 00:14:12,286 --> 00:14:14,675 You've got my number. 139 00:14:25,926 --> 00:14:30,920 Sorry, would you be Gillian? I'm Carla Borrego and this is Jonathan Creek. 140 00:14:31,086 --> 00:14:33,805 We're doing a bit of legwork for Mr Glendower. 141 00:14:34,006 --> 00:14:38,921 And he told you the same as he told the police? That my mother engineered it all? 142 00:14:39,126 --> 00:14:43,916 By witchcraft or something For all I know, that statue just evaporated. 143 00:14:44,086 --> 00:14:46,964 If you'd been here, you'd have freaked out. 144 00:14:47,126 --> 00:14:50,721 So where is Mrs Bailey now? Could we speak to her? 145 00:14:50,886 --> 00:14:55,482 You can speak to her. Whether she can speak to you is another matter. 146 00:14:55,646 --> 00:14:58,240 About an hour after all this happened, 147 00:14:58,406 --> 00:15:01,796 her whole face began to swell up into these... 148 00:15:02,806 --> 00:15:05,400 ...like, horrible weals. 149 00:15:05,566 --> 00:15:08,160 And her voice began to crack as if she... 150 00:15:08,326 --> 00:15:10,521 I don't know. 151 00:15:10,686 --> 00:15:13,075 ...was possessed by... 152 00:15:13,246 --> 00:15:15,441 ...demons. 153 00:15:15,606 --> 00:15:18,564 Yes, thank you for that, then. 154 00:15:18,766 --> 00:15:23,681 Can't you see my mother's at death's door? How would you like a sniffer dog up your nightdress? 155 00:15:25,886 --> 00:15:30,084 Lousy man. Anyway, as you can see, they found nothing. 156 00:15:30,246 --> 00:15:34,797 - If you'd like to go up. - I'm not very good with facial disfigurement. 157 00:15:34,966 --> 00:15:41,838 Skin eruptions, weeping sores. Maybe if I just wait down here while you two... Fair enough. 158 00:15:43,406 --> 00:15:48,799 The doctor said it's like some extreme form of nettle rash. I can't think why that would be. 159 00:15:50,086 --> 00:15:52,839 Still, at least you're looking a bit better now. 160 00:15:53,006 --> 00:15:56,316 Your body perhaps going into shock after what happened. 161 00:15:56,526 --> 00:15:59,518 You should have seen me before the antihistamine. 162 00:15:59,686 --> 00:16:03,315 This whole side of my face was a mass of horrible... 163 00:16:04,206 --> 00:16:07,915 Yes, think I could... use your toilet at all? 164 00:16:08,126 --> 00:16:10,924 It's just at the end there. 165 00:16:11,926 --> 00:16:14,520 So, have I got this right, Mrs Bailey? 166 00:16:14,686 --> 00:16:20,716 Your eyes were closed the whole time, like in a state of meditation. 167 00:16:20,886 --> 00:16:23,480 And that was for, what, about a minute? 168 00:16:23,646 --> 00:16:26,080 Isn't it bizarre? 169 00:16:26,246 --> 00:16:29,795 And how odd that I didn't even hear anything. 170 00:16:31,206 --> 00:16:36,564 And then those wretched policemen descended on us. 171 00:16:36,726 --> 00:16:40,275 It's been a complete nightmare! 172 00:17:28,126 --> 00:17:30,162 Your colleagues have all gone now. 173 00:17:30,366 --> 00:17:34,917 He must have made a packet, then, out of all this. 174 00:17:36,086 --> 00:17:40,079 - I mean, to afford all that stuff. - The cult of celebrity. 175 00:17:40,246 --> 00:17:42,840 Powerful marketing tool. 176 00:17:43,846 --> 00:17:46,155 One set of gods to another. 177 00:17:49,086 --> 00:17:52,317 - How true. - Yes, it puts it all into perspective. 178 00:17:52,526 --> 00:17:57,316 What a few souffl�s can buy for you. We're obviously all in the wrong business. 179 00:18:02,366 --> 00:18:05,756 Lovely view. You lived here all your life? 180 00:18:05,966 --> 00:18:10,164 As it happens - single, married and single again. 181 00:18:11,086 --> 00:18:16,444 - Sadly, Mr Bailey is no longer with us. - He's with a bus conductress in Woking 182 00:18:16,646 --> 00:18:20,525 Yes, I think I owe my sanity to Gorgons Wood. 183 00:18:20,726 --> 00:18:27,040 Five decades now, it's been my spiritual retreat from life, 184 00:18:27,206 --> 00:18:30,835 all this world and its worries. 185 00:18:31,046 --> 00:18:32,638 Gorgons Wood? 186 00:18:33,526 --> 00:18:37,405 Named on account of the carvings of these horrid little faces on a big beech tree. 187 00:18:37,606 --> 00:18:41,394 Mother thinks they're quaint. I find them deeply disturbing. 188 00:18:41,566 --> 00:18:46,435 - I wish there was more I could tell you. - Don't worry, Mrs Bailey. 189 00:18:47,406 --> 00:18:49,795 It may be you've told us quite enough. 190 00:18:50,006 --> 00:18:52,804 Do you fancy a walk? 191 00:18:53,006 --> 00:18:57,796 How she did it is your department. She's pushing it with that meditation routine. 192 00:18:57,966 --> 00:19:02,960 Fairly obviously, as the number one suspect, she's not going to risk keeping it in her house, 193 00:19:03,126 --> 00:19:06,516 so the minute she gets back, where does she hide it? 194 00:19:06,686 --> 00:19:11,680 - Somewhere in a bloody great wood? - With a very well-known focal point. 195 00:19:11,846 --> 00:19:16,636 And how likely is it that if we find some nearby nettles or lethal vegetation 196 00:19:16,806 --> 00:19:21,800 that could have caused her face to explode like that, we'll also find our buried treasure? 197 00:19:21,966 --> 00:19:26,756 - You've got this all worked out, haven't you? - I've given it a bit of thought. 198 00:19:31,926 --> 00:19:38,001 You'll come out with some oddball observation now that appears to have nothing to do with it. 199 00:19:38,206 --> 00:19:40,197 Not at all. 200 00:19:40,406 --> 00:19:45,560 Though you might ponder the significance of Engelbert Humperdinck and Jethro Tull in this. 201 00:19:45,766 --> 00:19:49,839 - Might I? - It's so obvious, I don't know why I missed it. 202 00:19:50,046 --> 00:19:52,958 Maybe you're just getting old and rusty. 203 00:19:53,166 --> 00:19:56,158 Jethro Tull? A little bit before my time. 204 00:19:56,326 --> 00:19:59,124 Where did all that spring from? 205 00:20:45,326 --> 00:20:47,317 Interesting. 206 00:20:47,486 --> 00:20:50,319 And yet weird. 207 00:20:50,526 --> 00:20:52,915 Someone must have had some patience. 208 00:20:53,126 --> 00:20:54,764 Hmm. 209 00:20:55,606 --> 00:20:57,403 Oh! 210 00:20:57,606 --> 00:21:00,200 And what do we have here? 211 00:21:00,406 --> 00:21:04,638 "Go to... " It looks like some sort of directions. 212 00:21:04,846 --> 00:21:07,235 "East 19". 213 00:21:09,206 --> 00:21:11,800 What do you think? It's got to mean something. 214 00:21:11,966 --> 00:21:13,957 Quite possibly. 215 00:21:16,246 --> 00:21:18,840 But does this mean even more? 216 00:21:24,886 --> 00:21:30,404 What if somewhere round here there was some ancient hidey-hole 217 00:21:30,606 --> 00:21:35,396 that certain people who have come here all their lives would definitely know about? 218 00:21:35,566 --> 00:21:38,558 Which way's east? 219 00:21:39,406 --> 00:21:44,321 Let's say it means the 19th tree from this one, so that's... 220 00:21:45,206 --> 00:21:48,198 One, two, three... 221 00:21:48,806 --> 00:21:53,277 Will you not go waltzing off like Jim Hawkins? Just remember where we are. 222 00:21:53,446 --> 00:21:56,085 In a little place called the real world. 223 00:21:56,286 --> 00:22:00,962 Quite clearly, some woodpeckers or something have got at this over the years. 224 00:22:01,166 --> 00:22:05,557 - I suggest we're not seeing the complete... - Oh! Ah! 225 00:22:15,246 --> 00:22:17,806 You must be Jonathan Creek. 226 00:22:18,006 --> 00:22:21,601 - My God! What happened? - Want a hand getting up? 227 00:22:21,806 --> 00:22:27,164 Thank you, no. A vertical position is absolutely the worst thing for sciatica. 228 00:22:27,366 --> 00:22:32,565 Oh, tell me about it! It's not funny. Like someone slicing into your thigh with a razor. 229 00:22:32,726 --> 00:22:35,115 Probably needs a bit of traction. 230 00:22:38,006 --> 00:22:41,794 Ah... I was just framing up on a spotted flycatcher. 231 00:22:41,966 --> 00:22:44,400 Bent double, I suppose, to get a better shot. 232 00:22:44,606 --> 00:22:49,316 That'll do it every time if you've got a back problem. Whereabouts do you live? 233 00:22:49,526 --> 00:22:51,642 Is it far from here? 234 00:22:51,846 --> 00:22:55,839 Did I get the impression you were expecting us, Mr...? 235 00:22:56,006 --> 00:22:58,201 Well, yes, of course. 236 00:22:58,366 --> 00:23:03,565 From what I saw on the news, a puzzle like this one, your presence was inevitable. 237 00:23:03,726 --> 00:23:08,163 Now, if you make a sharp right at the next cedar, 238 00:23:08,366 --> 00:23:13,679 straight on for half a mile and we'll be there. I can't tell you how much I appreciate this. 239 00:23:15,886 --> 00:23:20,676 There we are. Just as I thought. Your piriformis has gone into spasm. 240 00:23:20,886 --> 00:23:23,320 You want to get yourself to a good chiropractor. 241 00:23:23,526 --> 00:23:29,283 In the meantime, there's a little thing I can try to help loosen it up, but... 242 00:23:30,286 --> 00:23:34,882 You might just want to bite on this for a count of three. 243 00:23:35,486 --> 00:23:39,320 And... three! Two! One! 244 00:23:40,886 --> 00:23:43,684 - Aaaah! - Maybe just a bit longer. 245 00:23:46,366 --> 00:23:51,360 Forgive my friend's overzealous concern for your health. 246 00:23:51,566 --> 00:23:54,160 Be glad it wasn't a prostate problem. 247 00:24:22,286 --> 00:24:27,076 It was fortuitous we should meet today, Mr Creek, in more ways than one. 248 00:24:27,246 --> 00:24:32,684 You see, a talent to recall facts and faces runs in my family. 249 00:24:32,846 --> 00:24:35,838 I have, as it happens, an unusually large brain. 250 00:24:36,046 --> 00:24:38,640 Inherited from my grandfather. 251 00:24:38,806 --> 00:24:45,120 And there are, shall we say, darker recesses to this mystery I may be able to help you with. 252 00:24:46,206 --> 00:24:49,881 You've been to see our famous tree, of course, 253 00:24:50,086 --> 00:24:53,965 which you'll have realised by now is not unconnected with the problem. 254 00:24:54,166 --> 00:24:55,963 Well... 255 00:24:56,126 --> 00:25:00,722 ...there's certainly another angle to all this I'm only just starting to see. 256 00:25:00,886 --> 00:25:04,117 It began with those old albums in her bedroom. 257 00:25:04,326 --> 00:25:10,595 A singer and a rock band both took the name of slightly obscure figures from history. 258 00:25:10,766 --> 00:25:15,157 Engelbert Humperdinck, composer, and Jethro Tull, who invented the seed drill. 259 00:25:15,366 --> 00:25:19,359 Suddenly, I'm remembering another Owen Glendower. 260 00:25:20,886 --> 00:25:26,802 Welsh warlord, in the 1300s, who led a revolt against Henry IV. 261 00:25:28,006 --> 00:25:32,796 I'm thinking this is probably not the name our celebrity chef was born with. 262 00:25:32,966 --> 00:25:37,676 And you put that signature of his against the letters in the tree... 263 00:25:41,006 --> 00:25:46,399 - Hardly conclusive, but they're distinctive "G"s. - Which all suggests to you? 264 00:25:46,606 --> 00:25:52,158 The two people who carved their initials there a long time ago... 265 00:25:53,886 --> 00:25:56,480 ...may just have shared the same surname. 266 00:25:56,646 --> 00:26:00,036 Thelma Ogden, as she was then, 267 00:26:01,846 --> 00:26:04,644 had a brother. 268 00:26:05,686 --> 00:26:08,280 Six o'clock of a spring evening... 269 00:26:10,686 --> 00:26:14,884 Many's the time I'd be cycling home that way from the bakery. 270 00:26:21,126 --> 00:26:23,515 Hello, Ian. 271 00:26:29,566 --> 00:26:31,363 Gordon... 272 00:26:31,526 --> 00:26:35,724 Young Gordon... Where that talent came from, God only knowsl 273 00:26:35,886 --> 00:26:38,275 It just seemed to pour out of him. 274 00:27:04,206 --> 00:27:09,075 That one day he would find fame and fortune, I think no one doubted. 275 00:27:16,006 --> 00:27:18,395 But the way it happened wasn't pretty. 276 00:27:18,566 --> 00:27:22,241 When their parents parted company, so did they. 277 00:27:22,446 --> 00:27:24,835 Divided up, like spoils of war. 278 00:27:26,006 --> 00:27:30,204 Little boy, whisked off to the big city with his father. Little girl, 279 00:27:30,406 --> 00:27:33,204 left behind to comfort her embittered mother. 280 00:27:33,366 --> 00:27:36,403 Overnight, brother and sister no more. 281 00:27:41,206 --> 00:27:43,800 Young minds, filled with poison. 282 00:27:43,966 --> 00:27:46,958 They disowned each other from that day to this. 283 00:27:47,166 --> 00:27:50,158 So... we're looking at what? 284 00:27:50,326 --> 00:27:52,920 Major sibling rivalry here? 285 00:27:54,486 --> 00:27:59,480 By tricking him out of that statue, she gets to rub his nose in it big time? 286 00:27:59,646 --> 00:28:04,037 As you say, Mr Creek, names can be changed to bury the past. 287 00:28:05,206 --> 00:28:11,076 But for those of us who remember, it will always be Gordon's Wood. 288 00:28:13,166 --> 00:28:18,320 Do you know, I think I really can feel a difference? From what you did. It's amazing. 289 00:28:18,486 --> 00:28:23,879 - You're obviously a keen student of anatomy. - Well, I get a lot of stick for it, but... 290 00:28:24,046 --> 00:28:27,675 Remember I said to you I had an unusually large brain? 291 00:28:27,886 --> 00:28:32,004 - Yes. - I'd like you to have it. As a token of thanks. 292 00:28:32,166 --> 00:28:37,718 It's only gathering dust around this place. And I feel you will give it a good home. 293 00:28:37,926 --> 00:28:39,917 Gillian! 294 00:28:42,406 --> 00:28:44,397 Gillian! 295 00:28:46,086 --> 00:28:47,883 Gillian! 296 00:29:12,646 --> 00:29:18,403 With a view to minimising the distress this is going to cause my client and her husband, 297 00:29:18,606 --> 00:29:22,599 may I suggest we proceed as swiftly as possible? 298 00:29:40,806 --> 00:29:43,445 We may as well face it, Adam. She's good. 299 00:29:43,646 --> 00:29:47,241 We can't see any way to get her to crack, so... 300 00:29:48,246 --> 00:29:50,237 How's it, uh... 301 00:29:50,406 --> 00:29:53,239 ...going here, anyway? 302 00:29:55,046 --> 00:30:01,155 How's it going? I'm crawling around in a pigsty. That's what going. 303 00:30:01,366 --> 00:30:03,721 I'm living like a pig in pig shit in a pigsty, 304 00:30:05,246 --> 00:30:08,443 among what are laughingly called celebrities. 305 00:30:14,166 --> 00:30:17,761 Did you ever see one of these nobodies before in your life? 306 00:30:17,966 --> 00:30:21,561 This is more pork than anybody has a right to. 307 00:30:21,726 --> 00:30:26,561 You can blow me too, bozo! Been right in my face from the get-go. 308 00:30:27,606 --> 00:30:32,555 Well, back to nature and all that. I'm sure you'll emerge a more rounded person. 309 00:30:33,806 --> 00:30:39,438 You have no idea, do you, what they're putting us through here in the name of entertainment? 310 00:30:39,646 --> 00:30:42,001 I'm drinking pig's milk, Jonathan! 311 00:30:42,206 --> 00:30:46,882 - I'm sure it's not that bad. - No, I'm drinking pig's milk... 312 00:30:47,086 --> 00:30:49,919 ...straight from the pig! 313 00:30:50,166 --> 00:30:55,081 I tell you, we gotta be sick as a society to want to watch this stuff. 314 00:30:55,286 --> 00:30:59,837 OK! It's the moment you've all been waiting for - breakfast time! 315 00:31:12,206 --> 00:31:14,766 Another ratings winner there, then 316 00:31:14,926 --> 00:31:17,520 Eric Blair, king of the reality format. 317 00:31:18,646 --> 00:31:24,243 What's next? Celebrity suicides? Leaping to their death off Wigan Pier? 318 00:31:24,446 --> 00:31:28,439 Now I think we're just being silly. Anyway, that's my lot for today. 319 00:31:28,606 --> 00:31:33,805 If you promised to be nice to me, I was going to invite you for lunch. We could give this a try. 320 00:31:33,966 --> 00:31:37,845 Oh, right. With hubby in Edinburgh, sure you can trust me? 321 00:31:38,046 --> 00:31:40,958 I'll take my chances. MandM? 322 00:31:46,086 --> 00:31:51,479 You look at the rubbish he sticks in these things. Every additive known to man. 323 00:31:52,246 --> 00:31:57,843 List of ingredients? More like a set of log tables. God knows what it does to your inside. 324 00:32:01,246 --> 00:32:03,521 - Oh, my God. - What? 325 00:32:03,726 --> 00:32:06,115 I've just realised. 326 00:32:06,286 --> 00:32:08,675 The vanishing statue. How she did it. 327 00:32:08,846 --> 00:32:13,840 And the ridiculous thing is I've known for four days. When we were there, in her bedroom, 328 00:32:14,006 --> 00:32:19,080 she as good as showed it to us, the whole secret. It just never meant anything until now. 329 00:32:19,286 --> 00:32:23,996 - Do I get to share in this breakthrough? - Drive us back there and I'll think about it. 330 00:32:25,526 --> 00:32:29,838 I can give you two minutes, but... What sort of details? 331 00:32:30,006 --> 00:32:33,555 - I've told you everything I know. - Well, not quite, Mrs Bailey. 332 00:32:33,726 --> 00:32:35,444 There's peripheral stuff. 333 00:32:35,606 --> 00:32:40,964 Like the fact that Owen Glendower, n� Gordon Ogden, is actually your brother, 334 00:32:41,686 --> 00:32:44,246 though you're both keen to bury the fact. 335 00:32:44,406 --> 00:32:47,842 More crucially I thought you'd be ready to come clean now, 336 00:32:48,006 --> 00:32:51,794 about how you made a 12" statue disappear into thin air. 337 00:32:51,966 --> 00:32:55,959 We think we know where it went. You get points for ingenuity. 338 00:32:56,166 --> 00:33:02,924 You know I was searched with considerable vigour? What could I have done with it? 339 00:33:03,126 --> 00:33:06,880 I think what you did with it is the easy bit. 340 00:33:07,086 --> 00:33:09,884 You ate it. 341 00:33:10,046 --> 00:33:13,959 How's your face looking now? Seems to have died down. 342 00:33:14,166 --> 00:33:16,634 Something that disagreed with you, maybe? 343 00:33:16,846 --> 00:33:23,035 - Look, if you've nothing sensible to say... - Three pounds of porcelain hardly slips down. 344 00:33:23,206 --> 00:33:25,800 That's not what we're talking about here, is it? 345 00:33:27,126 --> 00:33:30,436 Exactly where the switch came I've been trying to figure, 346 00:33:30,646 --> 00:33:35,037 but when that guy checked it on arrival it was the genuine article, 347 00:33:35,206 --> 00:33:40,599 which means you couldn't do it without your daughter's help. What's gloriously ironic here 348 00:33:41,606 --> 00:33:44,598 is the whole idea came from him. 349 00:33:46,126 --> 00:33:50,722 A page in one of those books I evidently logged without realising. 350 00:33:53,126 --> 00:33:55,515 How to make an edible toy 351 00:33:55,686 --> 00:34:00,077 that involved some kind of magic mixture that is poured into a mould 352 00:34:00,246 --> 00:34:02,840 to produce a couple of crisp candy shells. 353 00:34:04,006 --> 00:34:06,395 A bit like the outside of an MandM. 354 00:34:06,566 --> 00:34:10,320 Put them together, you have a nice novelty item for parties. 355 00:34:10,526 --> 00:34:12,915 But if you're careful how you hold it, 356 00:34:13,086 --> 00:34:17,443 you only need the front half to make everyone think it's real. 357 00:34:17,646 --> 00:34:22,515 You get yourself an accurate impression of the original and you're in business. 358 00:34:25,926 --> 00:34:30,920 You won't be surprised to hear probably that was all down to Gillian. 359 00:34:33,526 --> 00:34:36,359 Since you seem to know all about us. 360 00:34:36,566 --> 00:34:39,364 Of course, I had to get her to set it all up. 361 00:34:39,526 --> 00:34:42,120 He wouldn't have let me through the front door. 362 00:34:42,726 --> 00:34:45,524 Nice to see you. Please, come in. 363 00:35:24,326 --> 00:35:27,238 I'm not exactly wracked with guilt about it. 364 00:35:27,446 --> 00:35:32,122 Having seen the pompous, avaricious, pinch-fist he grew up into, 365 00:35:32,326 --> 00:35:35,238 I felt he could spare some family maintenance. 366 00:35:35,446 --> 00:35:38,836 A sudden thought I had this morning about food additives. 367 00:35:39,046 --> 00:35:43,836 One thing you hadn't bargained for was a reaction to all the colourings she used. 368 00:35:44,006 --> 00:35:49,080 A whole bunch of E numbers, one of which your body didn't take to at all. 369 00:35:50,126 --> 00:35:55,564 Yes, well, it's certainly blown up in my face, all this, in more ways than one. 370 00:35:56,926 --> 00:36:01,124 I can't remember now how long it took her, but, yes... 371 00:36:01,286 --> 00:36:03,880 the result was impressive. 372 00:36:28,206 --> 00:36:30,595 The way it worked inside the box, 373 00:36:30,766 --> 00:36:35,965 there was just room, more or less, for one to sit inside the other. 374 00:36:36,166 --> 00:36:38,521 Two lids. 375 00:36:38,726 --> 00:36:41,115 Identical, top and bottom. 376 00:36:44,126 --> 00:36:48,722 Who was going to notice which way up she was carrying it? 377 00:37:05,126 --> 00:37:10,200 Nigimitama, the divine force of the Shinto kami. 378 00:37:38,046 --> 00:37:40,640 You knew, I suppose, where we'd hidden it? 379 00:37:40,806 --> 00:37:43,366 In the wood. Until the police had been. 380 00:37:44,606 --> 00:37:48,599 Well, she went out again that afternoon to collect it. 381 00:37:48,806 --> 00:37:51,195 Never returned. 382 00:37:51,926 --> 00:37:56,954 - Four days. Haven't seen hide nor hair of her. - What? You're saying she's gone? 383 00:37:57,166 --> 00:37:59,760 She's gone. The statue's gone. 384 00:38:01,526 --> 00:38:03,960 Oh, I've really been hung out to dry. 385 00:38:04,726 --> 00:38:07,718 You want the whole sordid picture? 386 00:38:13,726 --> 00:38:18,197 When I went to look for her that night, I found this. 387 00:38:18,406 --> 00:38:22,399 It belongs to a local birdwatcher. I gather you met. 388 00:38:22,566 --> 00:38:27,356 He says he dropped it that afternoon, but has no knowledge at all... 389 00:38:28,246 --> 00:38:30,635 ...of what's on the last few seconds of the tape. 390 00:38:55,926 --> 00:38:58,520 It was too gross to even think about it. 391 00:39:01,526 --> 00:39:03,915 Deep down I knew. 392 00:39:04,086 --> 00:39:06,281 It was him. 393 00:39:10,326 --> 00:39:12,886 With his own sister's daughter. 394 00:39:15,806 --> 00:39:18,400 And how could she possibly...? 395 00:39:22,526 --> 00:39:24,915 Well, any doubts I might have had... 396 00:39:25,726 --> 00:39:28,115 ...when I confronted him... 397 00:39:28,286 --> 00:39:33,758 - You are nothing but scum! - Gillian? My own niece? 398 00:39:33,926 --> 00:39:36,315 I should never have let her anywhere near you! 399 00:39:36,486 --> 00:39:41,480 - I never laid a finger... - Don't you dare try to pretend! Look at you! 400 00:39:42,526 --> 00:39:46,724 I mean, this... This is... the most preposterous... 401 00:39:46,886 --> 00:39:50,879 What unspeakable sins were his eyes confessing. 402 00:39:53,326 --> 00:39:58,195 Oh, no, there was no question at all... what they'd been up to. 403 00:39:58,406 --> 00:40:02,194 Of course, he swears blind that she hasn't been there. 404 00:40:02,366 --> 00:40:05,119 And the truth of it, Mr Creek, 405 00:40:05,326 --> 00:40:07,715 I don't know what to think. 406 00:40:07,886 --> 00:40:10,241 Maybe she's double-crossed us both. 407 00:40:10,446 --> 00:40:13,244 Gone off now to find some dealer somewhere. 408 00:40:15,086 --> 00:40:19,238 I started going through her organiser. Files, what have you. 409 00:40:19,446 --> 00:40:24,474 Looking for a name, anything. A contact or... 410 00:40:24,686 --> 00:40:30,682 The only thing I found that was slightly odd, on this piece of paper, an address... 411 00:40:31,846 --> 00:40:33,996 ...with just the letter "D" on it. 412 00:40:37,766 --> 00:40:40,155 Funny, isn't it? 413 00:40:40,366 --> 00:40:43,164 Suddenly, only one thing matters. 414 00:40:43,966 --> 00:40:46,355 The only thing I'd ever cared about. 415 00:40:48,126 --> 00:40:50,515 Now I've lost her. 416 00:40:52,886 --> 00:40:55,275 I suppose I couldn't even dare to ask... 417 00:40:57,126 --> 00:40:59,321 ...if you'll help? 418 00:41:02,206 --> 00:41:04,800 What did she say? The one with the bird's nest? 419 00:41:09,126 --> 00:41:12,880 Fair to say we wouldn't have stumbled on this in a hurry. 420 00:41:13,726 --> 00:41:16,718 So she seduced him? God! 421 00:41:17,486 --> 00:41:22,082 Her own uncle, to get him to play ball in the first place. 422 00:41:22,246 --> 00:41:26,922 Then as soon as she's pulled off this stunt with her mother, 423 00:41:27,126 --> 00:41:29,321 she does the dirty on her as well and legs it. 424 00:41:29,486 --> 00:41:34,276 Having first come out here for a quick one with a guy she must clearly detest? 425 00:41:34,446 --> 00:41:36,835 Sorry, that's too messy. 426 00:41:37,846 --> 00:41:42,636 If it comes to that, who do we suppose was also here, filming them at it? 427 00:41:42,806 --> 00:41:45,604 The answer to that, I suspect, is nobody. 428 00:41:45,766 --> 00:41:51,204 Say that camcorder was on pause-record when the old guy dropped it into that bush. 429 00:41:51,406 --> 00:41:56,605 Later on, it just happens to fall out again, the pause button gets knocked and it runs on. 430 00:41:56,766 --> 00:41:59,155 Otherwise, why leave it behind? 431 00:42:00,246 --> 00:42:03,044 I suppose that makes sense. 432 00:42:09,046 --> 00:42:11,640 But what doesn't make sense 433 00:42:11,846 --> 00:42:14,041 is this. 434 00:42:16,566 --> 00:42:21,356 Four holes. They certainly weren't here last time we looked. 435 00:42:22,926 --> 00:42:28,125 I'm no ornithologist, but I'd say there's no way these were made by a woodpecker. 436 00:42:33,006 --> 00:42:36,555 - Think this is right? - It's what she's written down. 437 00:42:41,526 --> 00:42:44,404 Well, I'm not going in! 438 00:42:57,686 --> 00:43:00,837 That's upstairs. Out the shop, round the back. 439 00:43:24,726 --> 00:43:28,765 - What? - No, it's round the back, apparently. 440 00:43:48,926 --> 00:43:51,315 Come in. It's not locked. 441 00:43:57,646 --> 00:44:00,114 You're 10 minutes early, but it doesn't matter. 442 00:44:00,326 --> 00:44:03,124 No, actually, I was... 443 00:44:03,286 --> 00:44:07,916 - What do you want? - Do you know a girl called Gillian Bailey? 444 00:44:09,126 --> 00:44:11,356 Your address was in her book. 445 00:44:14,086 --> 00:44:16,520 Who are you? 446 00:44:16,726 --> 00:44:19,286 - Get out! - The thing is, we were... 447 00:44:19,486 --> 00:44:20,999 Fine. We're going. 448 00:44:21,206 --> 00:44:25,324 - Callum, don't, for God's sake! - Shut up! 449 00:44:36,126 --> 00:44:41,325 So, probably just an old friend of hers or something, you reckon? From the Girl Guides. 450 00:44:41,486 --> 00:44:44,876 Someone she used to sing in the choir with, perhaps. 451 00:44:46,046 --> 00:44:49,834 Anyway, I seem to remember promising you a meal. 452 00:44:50,006 --> 00:44:52,566 If you're still interested. 453 00:44:55,126 --> 00:45:00,519 Go on, then. Your thoughts being what, currently, on all this? 454 00:45:01,326 --> 00:45:05,717 - Think he'll ever see that statue again now? - Dunno. 455 00:45:06,726 --> 00:45:11,516 Something distinctly odd, didn't you think, about that Dawn character this afternoon? 456 00:45:12,526 --> 00:45:17,884 The way that face of hers was all... I mean, what did that look like to you? 457 00:45:18,086 --> 00:45:20,554 As if she'd been badly burnt or something. 458 00:45:20,766 --> 00:45:24,042 - Or something. - OK. 459 00:45:24,246 --> 00:45:28,125 Are we ready now for a little palate freshener? 460 00:45:29,046 --> 00:45:31,435 What's that? Citrus sorbet? 461 00:45:31,646 --> 00:45:36,481 If that's come straight out of the freezer, it might not be such a good idea. 462 00:45:36,686 --> 00:45:40,838 Don't be such a baby. Come on. Now... 463 00:45:41,046 --> 00:45:43,480 Nice or what? 464 00:45:43,686 --> 00:45:45,483 Mm. 465 00:45:48,126 --> 00:45:53,120 Oh, God! There you go! The knitting needles behind the eyes! 466 00:45:53,286 --> 00:45:57,279 Every time... 467 00:45:58,286 --> 00:46:00,846 Hello? Oh, yes. Hi, darling. 468 00:46:01,046 --> 00:46:03,879 - Oh, God! - No... 469 00:46:04,086 --> 00:46:07,078 - No, I'm fine. - Aah! Aah! 470 00:46:07,246 --> 00:46:11,922 Can I call you back in just a minute? I'm in the middle of something. OK, bye. 471 00:46:12,126 --> 00:46:18,076 God! What are you like? What the hell he thought was going on here, I shudder to imagine! 472 00:46:18,286 --> 00:46:21,403 I did warn you. 473 00:46:21,606 --> 00:46:26,202 Ice-cold sorbet, I'm sorry, does that to me every time. 474 00:46:28,926 --> 00:46:31,724 Every time. 475 00:46:31,926 --> 00:46:33,723 No... 476 00:46:38,126 --> 00:46:40,515 It's as if the holes on that tree... 477 00:46:42,846 --> 00:46:47,840 And while we're on the subject of orgasms, this afternoon, before we went up to her flat, 478 00:46:48,006 --> 00:46:51,635 what was it you saw in that sex shop that amused you so much? 479 00:46:52,846 --> 00:46:54,837 Sorry? 480 00:46:56,166 --> 00:46:58,396 - What? - Oh, Jonathan. 481 00:46:58,606 --> 00:47:00,995 I've just had an amazing thought. 482 00:47:01,166 --> 00:47:05,557 About our disappearing girlie, after what you said earlier. 483 00:47:06,526 --> 00:47:11,441 - Are you thinking what I'm thinking? - Actually, I've got a horrible feeling... 484 00:47:12,446 --> 00:47:15,244 ...I'm thinking of something much worse. 485 00:47:31,126 --> 00:47:34,641 It's like you know when you can suddenly just see it all, 486 00:47:34,846 --> 00:47:39,636 there in front of you? You've got a young girl on the run with some stolen goods. 487 00:47:39,806 --> 00:47:45,039 She'll be quite keen to lie low for a while. And she jotted down the address of a prostitute 488 00:47:45,246 --> 00:47:50,240 who, it turns out, is completely unrecognisable under some very nasty facial disfigurement. 489 00:47:50,406 --> 00:47:56,197 I wonder where the inspiration for that came from Why didn't we see it straight away? 490 00:47:57,206 --> 00:47:59,595 Maybe because it was never there to see. 491 00:47:59,806 --> 00:48:02,400 I don't know. 492 00:48:02,606 --> 00:48:07,282 Something tells me there could be a very nasty shock waiting for us at the top of these stairs. 493 00:48:10,526 --> 00:48:12,960 I knew you'd be back. 494 00:48:13,166 --> 00:48:17,205 So you came here looking for Gillian Bailey, right? 495 00:48:45,886 --> 00:48:48,275 I was gonna hand it in, but... 496 00:48:49,046 --> 00:48:53,836 Best now if you take it. And just go before he gets back. 497 00:48:56,326 --> 00:48:58,521 Well, yes. 498 00:48:58,686 --> 00:49:02,918 But not until we've cleared up one or two other details, Dawn. 499 00:49:05,366 --> 00:49:09,359 - It is Dawn? - I know what you're thinking, but... 500 00:49:18,326 --> 00:49:20,886 Hallowe'en mask? I wish! 501 00:49:30,646 --> 00:49:33,035 Too easy, wasn't it, Dawn? 502 00:49:34,166 --> 00:49:37,158 To start making up our own stories here. 503 00:49:38,326 --> 00:49:42,922 Am I right in saying we weren't the only ones to see a faint resemblance 504 00:49:43,086 --> 00:49:46,078 between you and Gillian Bailey? 505 00:49:50,086 --> 00:49:55,285 We know she stole this thing, with help from her mother, from a guy called Owen Glendower. 506 00:49:55,486 --> 00:49:57,875 He lent it to their museum. 507 00:49:59,006 --> 00:50:03,921 Exactly what she had to do to get him to agree in the first place we're still a bit hazy on. 508 00:50:04,926 --> 00:50:08,316 It obviously helped that she was young and good-looking 509 00:50:08,486 --> 00:50:12,877 and he wasn't too fussy about knocking off his own niece. 510 00:50:13,046 --> 00:50:17,437 But I don't know, though. Would she really have gone that far? 511 00:50:18,446 --> 00:50:20,835 Her mother seems to think so. 512 00:50:22,086 --> 00:50:25,044 How well does she know her own daughter? 513 00:50:30,886 --> 00:50:33,878 It was just up by the West Side Centre. 514 00:50:35,326 --> 00:50:39,319 About a month ago. Said she was waiting for a taxi. 515 00:50:39,486 --> 00:50:42,478 After a few minutes, this car pulls up, but... 516 00:50:44,286 --> 00:50:48,120 ...it's like a clear case of mistaken identity. 517 00:50:55,006 --> 00:50:57,804 And suddenly she's thinking 19 to the dozen. 518 00:50:57,966 --> 00:51:02,756 If some punter on the street could get the two of us mixed up like that... 519 00:51:07,726 --> 00:51:10,320 So a couple of nights later she comes back. 520 00:51:10,486 --> 00:51:12,875 Says would I be up for it? 521 00:51:13,046 --> 00:51:17,597 There's this guy she's trying to sweeten up to do her a favour. 522 00:51:17,766 --> 00:51:24,239 Only, what he wants, no way she's gonna give it to him, but maybe I can help. 523 00:51:26,086 --> 00:51:28,884 The whole idea was weird right... 524 00:51:29,046 --> 00:51:34,439 It was a job, you know, and what kind of business am I gonna turn down? 525 00:51:36,486 --> 00:51:41,162 - Said she'd sussed how to sell it to him. - Uncle. 526 00:51:41,366 --> 00:51:44,836 Said he was like putty in her hands. 527 00:51:45,846 --> 00:51:52,194 Look, I know what you want, and it can be arranged... but not here. 528 00:51:55,126 --> 00:51:58,436 How would it be if I had a... friend? 529 00:52:00,886 --> 00:52:04,401 Who could do things for you that Gillian can't. 530 00:52:07,046 --> 00:52:10,004 A bit of rough trade. 531 00:52:11,046 --> 00:52:13,241 Gillian... 532 00:52:14,086 --> 00:52:16,759 Are you sure you want to? 533 00:52:16,926 --> 00:52:21,522 Only on a professional basis. Nothing wrong in that. 534 00:52:31,286 --> 00:52:34,801 And he really bought it, you know? 535 00:52:34,966 --> 00:52:38,322 Like that was her there on the bed. 536 00:52:44,886 --> 00:52:49,482 I saw him twice after that. The third time he couldn't even do it. 537 00:52:51,446 --> 00:52:56,998 Anyway, you see, the thing is I don't exactly work alone. I've got, like, this... 538 00:52:57,206 --> 00:53:01,802 - Personal management. - The history of that you don't need to know. 539 00:53:01,966 --> 00:53:07,359 But, I tell you, when you've had your face shoved in a gas ring, you don't run away again. 540 00:53:09,126 --> 00:53:12,436 His first idea was to blackmail him maybe. 541 00:53:12,646 --> 00:53:15,240 But then he gets this big idea, doesn't he? 542 00:53:15,446 --> 00:53:20,645 Reads about this statue this guy is putting on show and, of course, he's got to have it. 543 00:53:21,646 --> 00:53:26,242 The way they'd got it covered at that museum, he wouldn't have had a prayer, 544 00:53:26,406 --> 00:53:29,000 but, well, he just got lucky, didn't he? 545 00:53:35,846 --> 00:53:40,044 Soon as the heat's off at her house, he goes round there. 546 00:53:42,526 --> 00:53:43,879 And waits. 547 00:53:48,086 --> 00:53:54,764 So when he caught up with her in the wood, what we saw on that video... 548 00:53:54,966 --> 00:53:56,843 Him and her. 549 00:53:57,806 --> 00:54:00,718 God, that takes some stomaching. 550 00:54:03,486 --> 00:54:08,276 Sadly, what we saw on that video wasn't what we thought we saw. 551 00:54:09,686 --> 00:54:15,682 The whole point we were all forgetting was that the camera was on its side, 552 00:54:17,686 --> 00:54:22,476 which means the image on that screen had actually been rotated through 90 degrees. 553 00:54:23,486 --> 00:54:28,276 If you put that together with those four holes that then appeared on the tree... 554 00:54:31,046 --> 00:54:34,038 ...as we found out earlier with that sorbet, 555 00:54:35,046 --> 00:54:39,642 sometimes you can misread a situation so completely that... 556 00:54:41,806 --> 00:54:44,195 I said there was a nasty shock waiting here. 557 00:55:43,686 --> 00:55:50,478 It's true, isn't it? This... thing, all it ever brings is evil and destruction. 558 00:55:50,686 --> 00:55:53,644 I don't know. I just want it out of h... 559 00:55:56,846 --> 00:55:59,235 I'm not gonna say please. 560 00:56:02,646 --> 00:56:05,365 'Cause you're already dead. 561 00:56:05,566 --> 00:56:07,045 You know that. 562 00:56:07,806 --> 00:56:09,239 Aah! 563 00:56:16,646 --> 00:56:19,035 Just go, for God's sake! 564 00:56:25,526 --> 00:56:27,915 Uh... 565 00:56:42,006 --> 00:56:47,524 And news just in. The body of Gillian Bailey, the missing museum worker 566 00:56:47,726 --> 00:56:52,641 at the centre of the Shinto statue theft, was today discovered in a wood near her home, 567 00:56:52,806 --> 00:56:58,438 hidden inside a hollow log. It's believed she had been stabbed to death there. 568 00:57:38,646 --> 00:57:43,640 That's lovely. If you'd just like to go through. Just waiting for Mr Klaus to arrive. 569 00:57:50,006 --> 00:57:53,715 - What...? - I'm just checking in with Mr Tunstall 570 00:57:53,926 --> 00:57:57,601 on a little civil proceeding. He seemed like a very good bet. 571 00:57:57,806 --> 00:58:03,244 - Ah, Miss Borrego. The illicit inflatables. - I tell you, they will cop for a bundle! 572 00:58:03,446 --> 00:58:08,839 - Putting MY head on a blow-up doll! - Yes, I did check with the manufacturers. 573 00:58:09,006 --> 00:58:11,600 It appears you signed an authorisation for them 574 00:58:11,806 --> 00:58:17,085 allowing them to license "all forms of sexual erotica, however explicit, bearing my name, 575 00:58:17,286 --> 00:58:22,235 "face or likeness. " A copy here they faxed to us, dated the 23rd inst. 576 00:58:24,446 --> 00:58:27,040 Well, it's a forgery, obviously. 577 00:58:27,206 --> 00:58:31,597 I mean, what... 23rd? What was I doing on the 23rd? 578 00:58:31,806 --> 00:58:35,196 Um... signing autographs at a video launch. 579 00:58:35,366 --> 00:58:39,325 I seem to remember a woman handing you a blank sheet of paper, 580 00:58:39,526 --> 00:58:41,915 then distracting you with a grown-up nephew. 581 00:58:42,086 --> 00:58:46,443 Yes, but... You're not telling me it's all legal? 582 00:58:47,886 --> 00:58:52,960 - If they think... What the hell is that smell? - I don't know, but it's getting closer. 583 00:58:57,646 --> 00:59:00,001 OK. What can I tell you? 584 00:59:01,206 --> 00:59:04,676 My driver pulled over on Putney Bridge to throw up - 585 00:59:04,846 --> 00:59:08,361 not good news for the rowing crew going underneath. 586 00:59:08,526 --> 00:59:11,120 Bad enough I've come from that crap hole 587 00:59:11,286 --> 00:59:16,599 and no more than a rinse between me and swine fever, but now I have to cough up gazillions 588 00:59:16,766 --> 00:59:21,476 to Grandma Moses in there because none of us can prove this is a lousy scam?! 589 00:59:21,726 --> 00:59:28,120 Can I suggest, Mr Klaus, if you seek a modest settlement, a little goodwill goes a long way? 590 00:59:32,406 --> 00:59:34,601 Mrs Thrimpson! 591 00:59:35,606 --> 00:59:37,244 How are you today? 592 00:59:45,726 --> 00:59:47,842 What IS that stench?! 593 00:59:49,446 --> 00:59:53,598 Please! Fresh air! Fresh air!